Saturday, July 19, 2014

Overthinking it.

What up what up? Well today has been probably one of the most depressing days of my life. I don't know what's wrong with me but since the morning I feel like everything is just wrong. I knew it was wrong when I don't even wanna look at people. Probably it's depression episode. Well today is the day where we got my sem 2 results. It's was really ugly or even look at my phone. IN conclusion! It's not something that I'm really proud off. At that moment in school, when I got that text, I feel like crying, but at the same time I feel like it's not even worth to cry and if you are thinking that the result is causing my depression. Nope. I feel like a small fraction of it was affecting my mental state of mind. I was reading this one famous novel that was like hit right now.  The Fault in Our Stars. It was really a good read personally although it contains a lot of literature that caught me on blur mode but it really had the essence to make you sob. I was so into the sad chapter book and the mood of it plus my sucking horrible results I just shed tears after reading Issac's and Hazel's eulogy ( funeral speech ) to what a great person Augustus is. For me it's like heart breaking cause after 8 days, Gus dies and my heart breaks cause Gus was a great character in TFIOS. Even typing this with my iPad mini now has bring tears to my eyes because I can probably feel how Hazel feel when you met someone extraordinary in your life and he end up dead after a short period of his extraordinariance with his character. Depression is just my side effect. Reality wise I feel like I'm bringing a double persona to myself, at home I'm just this antisocial ball of awkwardness, and full of heavy thoughts when you are alone. I can help it since, I'm getting older more problems began to occur and I have less best friend to talk too. It's just when I'm with people I bring my home and public persona with me. My public is what I wanna be because I'm not alone, I'm constantly in brave face, YOLO, socially awesome and happy go lucky state. But today the sad part is I bought 90 % of Home Joey with me. I don't want to even talk to people. Ever since moving to the corner of the class I keep zoning off to the window, not to see hot lads or anything just that I'm can't concentrate, I have like this short span of attention to things and plus annoying heads to distract my view it's just hard to even focus at all & I get easily bored and this is Saggitarrius habit since they where like this. Class wasn't as interesting now as it used to be back then. Perhaps TFIOS was the culprit of my mental state of my mind today, I was too caught up with the storyline of the book therefore it, home Joey has conquered me. I'm thankful that today many people is concerned about my wellbeing since I looked so unhappy and all. Even My girlfriend tried to cheer me up since she know I'm not being myself today. Deep down, I know I have a problem but it's like I can't tell it or express it out. I just chose to ignore it like a cancer that slowly will eat me up. I need help but who can? Cause even the closest one don't understand me completely. I'm just stuck in to a round circle and I hope it will be path soon cause. It sucks being in dilemma and being unhappy. If you read this and concern for me, thank you but I'm okay I guess. Just pray for my well being then. Till then haengsho!!

XOXO
Joey Hon 😘

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